Feeling strangely positive today, it’s scary and I know I should be happy but I can’t completely let go and enjoy this moment because I know it won’t last that long. Sooner or later something is going to happen to turn my world upside down and I’m going to feel depressed and sad again. Wish my life was simple. I wish when I smile it’s because I’m genuinely happy and not because if I don’t people will start asking questions. Most of all I wish the things I write on the Internet I could say to the people closest to me.
It’s hard to explain to ‘normal’ people how frustrating it is to take one step forward and then ten steps back! Every time you make even a little bit of progress you’re so happy, then the reality that nothing good actually happens to you kicks in and then you’re back to square one, or even worse further back than where you were to begin with.
It’s a continuous cycle of shit that never ends and you try your hardest to not let it get to you but really and truly the effect it has on you is soul destroying. The worst part of feeling this way is wanting to tell someone, anyone how you feel but you’ve kept it inside for so long that you can’t even form the words or begin to even explain how bad you actually feel.
Had the worst night. I don’t know if it’s my illness or the new medication I have been taking but last night I was in so much pain that my mum had to call NHS Direct and they called the ambulance.I didn’t have to go to the hospital in the end but I have to wait until 1 so that I can talk to my physician, and find out what the hell is going on.
I feel like every time I take a step forward and start feeling a little better something happens and sets me back 5 more steps!
I rarely listen to new music because most of it’s crap but on my Ipod the most played right now are: